On seeking advice

From: Laurence Shandy
To: Dan Savage, Savage Love
Re: Dana Perino

Dear Dan,

For several months now, I've been sexually entangled with a certain deputy White House press secretary. Let's just call her Dana Perino, since that's her name. You may have seen her razor-sharp cheekbones during her stint as a fill-in for Tony Snow during his colon removal surgery. Tony may have lost his ass, but America sure gained a piece of ass. Watching her from my musky seat in the press room, I felt something I'd never felt before. Kind of like someone reached into my groin and sheathed an icepick in my penis. I fell to the floor in convulsions, but I'd never been harder. David Gregory, that pituitary nightmare from NBC news, tried to help me up and had to be treated for multiple puncture wounds.

Like any good Bush administration official, the sight of blood set Dana's juices flowing as well. In the commotion, I stalked her down to the White House kitchen, where we took each other's dignity atop a thawing mound of frozen peas. We did things that afternoon only David Attenborough could describe.

So here's my question. Am I risking my moral and journalistic integrity by repeatedly pumping my seed onto the lower back and upper throat of someone I've been sworn by my editors to criticize? I must admit to an embarrassing slip-up already. Concerning Alberto Gonzalez's congressional testimony, I asked her if his memory might have been banged out of his head like I banged the bottom out of her the night before. Fortunately, most of the press corps had dozed off after about ten minutes into the press conference, but I felt bad all the same. Especially since Dana had to immediately change into a dry pair of slacks.

Help me, Dan. My mind and my training tell me one thing, but my loins and my cellphone and my friends and my fax machine tell me something else. If she doesn't stop calling me, I'm afraid we'll both end up before a House investigative committee, and all those flash bulbs will just make us hornier.

Anxiously aroused,
Laurence Shandy, gentleman