On science abuse

From: Laurence Shandy
To: Dr. Bernd Schierwater, evolutionary biologist, Hanover University of Veterinary Medicine
Re: 12-headed jellyfish

Dear Dr. Schierwater,

I recently read of your attempts to genetically manipulate jellyfish to produce a twelve-headed variety. You talk a good game about how studying a multi-headed jellyfish might help scientists learn about the processes of evolution and mutation, but who do you think you're fooling? Is there really any other purpose for a twelve-headed jellyfish than to tell people at parties that you made one? Aren't you just abusing your research position to make some kind of sick name for yourself?

Look, I understand how a novel anecdote can up your sex quote. I once slid a third of the way down Mt. Everest on only a couple of grape jelly-soaked sponges (for my work), and I couldn't keep the snatch away for at least a month afterward. Sure, you can coax a confused coed back to your apartment by serenading her with the terms of your tenure, but she'll cook you breakfast in the morning if she thinks you're some kind of man-god commanding the very laws of nature for your own perverted whims. Chicks dig power, and nothing says power like your own pet twelve-headed jellyfish.

But you made a big mistake in releasing this information to the press. Now you're going to have PETA on your tail. You don't want to mess with those bastards, and I should know. Their mercenaries assassinated Georges, my monkey handler, in his sleep. He wasn't the one taking bets. He didn't dig the fighting pit. But they don't care. So much as look at an animal viciously or lustfully, and they'll hound you to your grave. And their leader has the nerve to use animal-produced insulin for her diabetes. The balls on that woman!

So, you're not going to be able to just flush this thing down the toilet once its novelty wears off. No, you're going to have to release it into the wild. Maybe give it a few bucks and a slap on the back as you do. Oh yes, this will have to be a photo op, Dr. Schierwater. And though having your face plastered all over the 24-hour news networks for the release ceremony might draw out your sex appeal a few more precious weeks, can you really live with the consequences of your own monstrous creation roaming the seas?

Think of how many people come home from beach vacations every year with swollen, itchy jellyfish stings about their thighs and groins. Now multiply that by twelve! There's no amount of soothing urine baths that could quell the pain from those tentacles.

Science can be a gift, Dr. Schierwater, but careful that you're not slapping a bow on Pandora's box. I know you Germans are into kink, but your sexual pleasure is not worth the thighs and groins of the rest of the world.

Best wishes,
Laurence Shandy, gentleman