On going undercover

From: Laurence Shandy
To: Washington State Rep. Richard Curtis
Re: Gay sex

Dear Dick,

Laurence Shandy here. I don't know if you know this, but the media seems to be all atwitter over the allegation that you solicited gay sex from a Spokane man and claimed he stole your wallet after you refused to pay the $1,000 you promised him. Oh, and also you were wearing women's lingerie.

Personally, I don't understand what the big deal is about men wearing women's underpants. If you'd been in a pair of silk boxers, no one would have said anything, and a nice pair of panties provides the same kind of luxurious comfort with just a little more scrotal support. Frankly, I don't know why anyone wears anything else under their trousers. And there's nothing wrong with gay sex by itself, either. In fact, I think the only reason you've made the headlines is because you're the third Republican in government in three months to be popped with a gay sex scandal.

A word of advice: abandoned this "deny everything" tactic your colleagues have so famously squandered. No matter how many times you tell the world you're not gay, there's always going to be the matter of the police report, the testimony of your gay sex partner, and your gay porn mustache. (By the way, don't think of shaving it. It compliments your bone structure beautifully.) Instead, why not just come clean? So you engage in a little gay sex from time to time--how else are you going to know it's a lifestyle you don't support? Don't knock it till you've tried it, as they say.

Look, I'm all the time engaging in activities of which I disapprove. It keeps the mind sharp and gives me more ammunition in my arguments against the practicing of those very same hobbies. I would never vote for the legalization of blindfolding donkeys and treating them like a cheating spouse, but I do it anyway. I can refute the morality of such an act in gross detail, because I've experienced it in even grosser detail.

I'm not saying gay sex should be outlawed or that homosexuals shouldn't have equal protection under the law (although that would make the whole enterprise titillatingly illicit), but I respect your views. And you obviously respect those views enough to explore them to the fullest. Kudos to you, sir.

But next time, try not to offer your wallet up for collateral to a gay prostitute. That's just bad business sense, and no one wants a state legislature who's so careless with money.

Best wishes,
Laurence Shandy, gentleman