On omens

From: Laurence Shandy
To: Joseph Ratzinger (a.k.a. Pope Benedict XVI)
Re: Nancy Grace's spawn

Dear Ratzo,

You know I'm not one to buy into all that apocalyptic mumbo jumbo your church shoved into the back pages of the Bible. Why all the hiding, by the way? I understand saving the good stuff for the end, but it's a little jarring to be reading epistle after epistle after epistle, and then--BAM--a seven-headed dragon. Anyway, the whole thing seems dotty to me. Assuming St. John wasn't really an underpaid, non-union scribe of the early church with a grotesque imagination, I don't put much stock in the epileptic fever dreams of one of Christ's lesser hangers-on.

But I believe what I see. Or at least I believe what comes down the news service wire. And I have to say the news that two living creatures have slithered out of Nancy Grace's infernal womb is enough to start me browsing Amazon for a Left Behind novel. Well, almost.

I know you're not one to fret over the end of the world, but you predecessor sure was. I've seen the documents. I've been under a cardinal's skirt or two, and I'm surprisingly fluent in ancient Greek. The astronomers won't admit it, of course, and the deeds may have been doctored, but I happen to know J.P.2 dug deep into the Vatican's coffers and came up with enough dough to purchase the world's premiere observatories. I guess what I'm trying to say is maybe your Jesuits and other crazies should have been aiming their telescopes a little lower--maybe right between Nancy Grace's thighs--because only Wormwood could have gestated within that demonic husk.

Don't worry, we still have time. Neither of these twin engines of destruction yanked from Nancy Grace's loins could be Lucifer himself. He is, after all, the light bringer, and I've stared into Grace's eyeholes long enough to know there's nothing resembling light inside her. But they could be the Devil's heralds, in which case we'd better be prepared for Armageddon.

Kick off your Prada loafers, Ratzo. It's time to go to work.

Best wishes,
Laurence Shandy, gentleman