On welcoming guests

From: Laurence Shandy
To: Joseph Ratzinger (a.k.a. Pope Benedict XVI)
Re: Visiting the U.S.

Dear Ratzo,

I'm so happy to see you'll be visiting me here in the States. Sure, you have to use a trip to Ground Zero as cover, but you and I both know why you're coming here. I think you'll have a great time. Everyone here seems to love you. No one in the media even batted an eye when you changed your name to Pope Benedict XVI. I thought it might take some time for your new label to catch on--maybe you'd have to suffer a few years as the cardinal formerly known as Joey Ratzo. But you have these people eating out of your hand.

Just a couple of tips to iron out the kinks of your visit. It's no big deal, but there are a few major differences between the U.S. and that gold-plated gaud-ville you call home. For one thing, you may slip on a wadded up scrap of latex as you're cruising the New York streets. For what they have in style, your Prada loafers are probably lacking in traction, and they're definitely no match for a cum-filled condom. That's right, Ratzo. They're everywhere. For the sake of expediency, you might not want to stop and pray for the lost sould of every little wasted sperm whenever you step on a condom. Chances are, your liaison from the visitors' center is going to have a stomach encrusted with little lost souls from the night before. It's just the way we live around here. It's a cultural difference that may be ugly, but you just have to overlook it. Kind of like your church overlooks genital mutilation in Africa. Natives will be natives, after all.

Another thing we like to do here is kill our criminals. Ironically enough, we usually catch them by examining their cum. Of course, that's also how we usually exonerate them, but that's beside the point. I know you frown upon capital punishment, Ratzo, but it's just the way we roll around here. Tell me you've never wanted to murder anyone in your life. According to that fantasy novel you're always quoting, desire speaks just as loudly as action. Over here, we just turn our desires into action. Why not stop by one of our fine prisons and flip a couple of switches or depress a couple of plungers while you're here. Just to see how the other side lives. It'll make you seem a little more tolerant, and it'll make for a great photo opportunity.

Before the flashes go off, though, you might want to think about rubbing a little shimmer under your eyes. You kind of have that dark circle, Emperor Palpatine thing going on. If you need a number, I know a guy. You might not want to shake his hand, though. It's probably covered in lost souls.

Best wishes,
Laurence Shandy, gentleman