On misplaced anger

From: Laurence Shandy
To: The Government of Sudan
Re: Jailed teacher

Dear Sudan,

Don't you like how I didn't call you "the" Sudan? I've done the research into your beautiful country, and I found out that you're not a "the". In fact, there are very few countries that are "the"s. Ukraine is just called Ukraine. The Netherlands is... Actually, isn't Holland really The Netherlands? I don't know, and, frankly, I don't care.

See, I'm not an insensitive type. Just because I'm white and of European Christian decent, and I'm not totally ignorant to your customs and ways. Sure, when people mention "The" Sudan, they can't help but harp on guerrilla fighters abducting young boys and mutilating the genitals of young girls, but there's a lot more going on in your fine country. However, you make an even worse name for yourselves when you overreact like you've just done.

You can't go throwing British school teachers in jail simply because they let their students name the class teddy bear Mohammed. It's a very popular name, like Whiskers or Sugar Smax (my teddy bear's name). It's definitely not blasphemy, no matter how you define it. And I have to tell you, the West doesn't look kindly upon any country that enforces blasphemy laws. Unless, of course, you're talking about Saudi Arabia, but they're kind of like the rich kid on the block. He's a bastard, but where else are you going to play Neo-Geo?

The least you can do is stave off any hypocrisy charges by cracking down on disrespectful depictions of the Prophet across the board. Why not start with that book you guys like. The Koran? Or is it just Koran? Regardless, that thing is chock full of all sorts of libelous claims about Mr. Mohammed. Are you really going to let malicious publishers flagrantly violate your blasphemy laws by printing books describing your most cherished celebrity as a war-mongering, bloodthirsty, illiterate pedophile with an inferiority complex almost as big as his head?

Throw the literati in jail along with that so-called "teacher". Maybe they can use their "education" to talk about "books". You know, stuff that has no place in Sudan. But no matter how tempted you are, please don't mutilate anyone else's genitals. That kind of stuff is getting harder and harder to explain.

Best wishes,
Laurence Shandy, gentleman