On making waves

From: Laurence Shandy
To: Mike Gravel, presidential candidate
Re: Speaking up

Dear Mike,

I tried to watch the Democratic presidential debate last night. I really did. But I find the more debates I watch, the more my head becomes disoriented. Like a retarded kid on a merry-go-round, I don't know what's happening, but it all seems familiar. And the coverage doesn't help. I'm not interested in some manufactured three-way rivalry between Obama, Clinton, and Edwards. I could do without Chris Matthews' wild speculations as to whether Barack will pin Hillary to the ground, penetrate her vagina with an ice pick, and call upon John to bite off her ear.

Although that would at least be entertaining. And we'd all have to bear the uncomfortable pause when Hillary appears for the next debate sporting a diaper made out of medical gauze.

I guess what I'm trying to say is you've let me down. From the beginning of this campaign nearly a decade ago, I counted on you to pipe up as the voice of insanity. The Republicans have Ron Paul and his 9/11 conspiracy theories. You were our last best hope for a sudden outburst of bat-shit crazy.

And no, I don't count Dennis Kucinich. Crazy he may be, but with a wife that looks like that, he has a kind of inherent cool factor you'll never achieve. If the Unabomber had been married to a particularly sodomizable MILF, he wouldn't have received half the bad press he did.

While everyone else posed for campaign ads in front of crackling fires and shelves of fake cardboard books, you had the balls to throw a rock in a river and simply walk away. What happened to that guy? That's the guy I never would have voted for, but I always love to see.

If you don't open your mouth and let the crazy fly, the world's going to leave you behind, Mike. Let's face it, without this campaign, you're really nothing more than some wandering hobo with a terribly ill-conceived outlook on foreign policy. So the next time old what's-her-face is spouting on about how she may or may not support universal healthcare for only illegal immigrants, why not clear your throat, rip open your shirt, and tell America what we want to hear: "The chicken gizzards are loose, and mama's asshole needs a sprinkle! Let's negotiate with Iran!"

Best wishes,
Laurence Shandy, campaign adviser