On the lesser of two fakes

From: Laurence Shandy
To: Sen. Hillary Clinton, presidential candidate
Re: Planting questions

Dear Hillary,

Nothing against you personally, but I wish you weren't such a ubiquitous presence in the headlines lately. I'd much rather be writing to Barack Obama or even John Edwards. It's not that you're not a looker, Hillary. I'm sure you once did rather well in the rebellious upper-class hippie-in-music-taste-only demographic. It's just that there aren't many women who can fill out a pantsuit in all the right places. Gillian Anderson, maybe, and even she didn't start hitting on all cylinders until a few years into The X-Files.

But I just couldn't let this latest smear campaign against you go unanswered. So you planted some questions at a campaign stop. Big deal. I know there's been a lot of talk about how you're just another establishment candidate lining her pockets with corporate money and putting on whatever face you feel will get you elected. All of that may be true, though you should really consider shopping for another face. Something less, you know, doughy.

Still, there's a wide swath of difference between you and someone like George W. Bush. It's not a question of who plants questions and who has the knowledge, intelligence, and honesty to answer the real, extemporaneous queries of the electorate. Like anything in politics, it's a question of degrees.

Let's take Gary Condit, for example. Remember him? That guy murdered his own intern, and I can't remember which house of congress he belonged to--much less how to properly spell is first name. It could be Garry Condit, for all I care. My point is he only murdered one intern, and that's acceptable behavior. Maybe not for a serf working some monkey job for minimum wage, but congresspeople are held to a difference standard. Allowances are made in politics. Maybe if he'd murdered forty interns, I'd remember which state he came from.

Similarly, there's no comparison between your question planting and Bush's. You train your robots to ask about health care plans and what it's like being a strong-minded woman in a man's world. Fluff stuff, sure, but nothing compared to the questions the Bush camp plants. I once saw a White House staffer dressed in overalls stand up at a Bush rally and ask the president just how much Jesus loves us. And the guy still took fifteen minutes to come up with a coherent answer.

Your campaign be be a scam, but it's less of a scam than some others. Though this kind of insult-by-comparison isn't going to stop anytime soon. Who knows how it's going to rear its head in the future? I do, however, have a guess. When the media confronts you about Bush's impending invasion of Iran, just remind them of your differences with the commander-in-chief. He did it. You simply allowed it.

On second thought, you might want to stay away from real reporters. They don't tend to stick to a script.

Best wishes,
Laurence Shandy, gentleman