On the back room

From: Laurence Shandy
To: Rep. Nancy Pelosi, (D) California
Re: SCHIP vote

Dear Nancy,

Unlike sick children across the United States, this whole SCHIP debacle just won't die. Now the Republicans in Congress are crying foul over the fact that you've set the vote to override President Bush's veto for this Thursday--the very day you know full well that several Republicans will be accompanying Bush to your home state as he attempts to single-handedly extinguish the flames which threaten to incinerate your district. Aside from the smell of sneaky politics, this move opens you up to criticism from those who would say you should be in California yourself--not pushing through politically advantageous legislation.

I can't pretend to understand your moral quandary. I myself have never seen a sick child, so I have a hard time placing a face to an idea. My own illegitimate children must pass a rigorous health exam before they're even allowed into my building. But I can appreciate the tactical advantage this legislation gives your struggling party. Let's face it--the war's still going strong and I can still be subjected to the CIA's S&M tactics without cause or warrant. The Democratic party needs a victory here, and the SCHIP bill is just the kind of thing you can force a 12-year-old to pimp. And taxing smokers to pay for it? Brilliant move. America hates smokers almost as much as they love preteens. It's a win-win.

Sadly, though, you're no match for the veto pen of a lame duck president with an approval rating barely in the double digits. How else are you going to stand up to such mighty power than by sneaking in a back room vote? The Republicans have left you no choice. Best to just get this thing out of the way when they're not looking. And maybe while they're busy invading Iran, you guys can pass some kind of torture ban.

Just kidding. How could you possibly get enough votes for that?

Best wishes,
Laurence Shandy, gentleman