On bedside manner

From: Laurence Shandy
To: Dr. Leo Trasande, assistant director, Center for Children's Health and the Environment, Mount Sinai Medical Center
Re: Body burden

Dear Dr. Trasande,

Thank you so much for stoking another medical panic in this country. Just when our heart rates had stabilized over SARS, bird flu, shark attacks, monkey pox, AIDS, and jungle rot, you come along with your "body burden" testing and get as all hysterical again. Isn't it enough that genius physician and former Playboy playmate Jenny McCarthy discovered autism in childhood vaccines? Don't new parents have enough to worry about with their polio-ridden, unvaccinated children without you coming along and screaming about how most of their babies' blood is industrial chemicals?

So what if you found an 18-month-old with more hi-tech polymers floating around his innards than the Space Shuttle? For my money, there's no replacing the peace of mind a parent should feel if their child is composed mostly of flame retardants. You can say goodbye to spontaneous infant combustion for good. There's no telling how much money the average family will save on urns, dustbins, and ruined cribs. What's a potential thyroid condition when compared to a lifetime of fireproofing? Even if (and this is a big "if") these polybrominated diphenyl ethers act on human babies like they do on lab rats and cause early puberty, what's the harm? A sixth grader with a nice rack and/or a full beard will never want for popularity.

Frankly, these chemicals sound like a wonder drug. Hello, infertility; goodbye, tax burdens. Are you aware that this stuff has even been known to shorten the space between the anus and genitals? 'Taint nothing wrong with that. My chode's like an alien landing strip. I had a one night stand with Erich Von Danikan, and he wouldn't remove his head from my thighs.

Regardless, we don't even know what effect these chemicals even have on people. Instead of freaking out innocent parents, why not raise your own children in a chemical-free environment? Think of it as a control group. Wrap your baby up in a wool blanket freshly ripped from the muscle tissue of a syphilitic sheep. Pick out the mites from your baby's bottle of unpasteurized milk, and pray she doesn't come down with monkey pox in the middle of the night. All in the name of science.

Best wishes,
Laurence Shandy, gentleman