On fighting back

From: Laurence Shandy
To: Gen. Michael V. Hayden, CIA director
Re: Investigating the investigators

Dear Gen. Hayden,

Addressing a CIA director as "General" is going to take some getting used to. That's a term I've usually restricted to military men and Tuesday night lovers. Of course, there have been a few former CIA directors I've counted among those Tuesday night lovers, so I suppose it shouldn't make me that uncomfortable. Lest you think I'm coming on to you, I must say you're not my type. Sure, you're powerful, but I've had more powerful men. And what with all the rendition and torture your organization has enjoyed, I assume you'd be pretty forceful in bed. But when I'm engaging in a little light B&D with a quasi-government official, I like to keep it just that--light. I mean, I like Oreos too, but what kind of masochist would bite into a Domino's Oreo pizza?

The recent revelation that your office is investigating the office of the CIA Inspector General for exercising too much untoward curiosity about your secret torture program is what finally crossed you off my list of potential suitors. Look, you can't go investigating the people who are investigating you--especially if they're investigating your illegal psycho-sexual proclivities. I don't have a problem with you and your underlings abducting random Arabs and bending them to the will of your riding crops. The fact that they haven't done anything wrong just makes the submission that much sweeter. But there's a line, General.

You think that Alabama pastor who was found dead with a dildo in his butt used to go to church in his full bondage gear? Of course not. He threw a suit over it. If you're going to explore your kinks, do it with a bit of discretion. The only reason anyone ever found out about him was because he got a little too randy to properly clean out his breathing tube. It's a shame that the media and the world at large has discovered that the CIA keeps secret dungeons all over the world where they enact their darkest S&M fantasies on unwitting detainees. But the cat's out of the bag, and there's no way even an investigation of your overseers is going to force that pussy back in its sack.

You've proven yourself the worst kind of dominatrix--one that refuses to acknowledge the safe word. And the safe words in this situation are simple: "illegal", "unconstitutional", and "human rights violations". If you keep behaving like this, there's no way I'm going to invite you over for a little Tuesday night fun. After all, how could I trust that when I say "Poughkeepsie", you'd turn off the jackhammer?

Best wishes,
Laurence Shandy, gentleman