On the bright side

From: Laurence Shandy
To: Dana Perino, White House Press Secretary
Re: Climate change benefits

Dear Dana,

You look nice. I mean, you're looking really good. You always look good, though. I'm not trying to say you sometimes don't. I'm just saying you look particularly nice today. You know what? Let's try this again.

Hi. Laurence Shandy here. You may remember me from your peripheral vision. Look, I know the bloggers and pundits are up in arms over your suggestion that global warming leads to health benefits. But they're blinded by their politics. They don't see the bigger picture like I do. Like you do. Like people like you and I do.

We have a lot in common, is what I'm trying to say. Probably. Maybe we can talk about it some time?

Here's the thing. What with all the bans on public smoking, it's not like a few greenhouse gases are going to collapse anyone's lungs. If anything, they're just making up the difference. And it's not the severe drought that causes the kind of preternaturally arid conditions that lead to massive wildfires. It's the irresponsible campers who take advantage of those conditions.

But you know my favorite part about having a warmer climate? I don't have to worry about climbing naked into a bed full of cold sheets every night. Cold sheets are the worst. What with all the nipple hardening and everything. You know what I'm talking about.

Of course, there are some bad things about global warming as well. In such a temperate climate, you no longer need the warmth of my body to comfort you through the night. But just because you don't need it, it doesn't mean you don't want it, huh? Am I right?

Why won't you return my calls?

Best wishes,
Laurence Shandy, gentleman