On playing politics

From: Laurence Shandy
To: Rudy Giuliani, 9/11 promoter
Re: bin Laden invitation

Dear Rudy,

First of all, 9/11. Now that that's out of the way, let's get to the issue at hand. The Democrats seem to be up in arms about your recent claim that Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama would invite Osama bin Laden to the White House if they were elected president. I know you were just making a crack at their limp-wristed calls for diplomacy, so you don't have to explain yourself. I understand your "shoot first, ask questions never" position. Diplomacy calls for an effort to understand a madman's position. Maybe even to learn a greeting or two in his native language. I know as president you'd be too busy preventing another 9/11 to pop in a Rosetta Stone CD on Arabic. However, I don't agree with you on this. Personally, I'd never pass up a chance to meet face-to-beard with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Have you ever caught a whiff of that guy's musk? I broke into the Columbia University auditorium just to sniff his podium. Smelled kind of like dates and human rights violations.

But even outside the realm of overly ambitious diplomacy, I feel you shouldn't be too quick to judge a candidate's open invitation to Mr. bin Laden. After all, the guy's loaded. Politics being what they are, the next president's barely going to have enough time to whack it (or squish it, if the case may be) in the Lincoln Bedroom before they have to ramp up the fundraising machine for the next election. bin Laden may be cold, hard evil, but he's also got some cold, hard cash. And that's Saudi cash, too. The good stuff. I think they're on the oil standard.

Draining the pockets of bin Laden just makes good fiscal sense. One advantage of today's political climate is that there's no indiscretion too egregious not to fall away at the first sound of a half-assed apology. I mean, the Department of Justice's voting rights chief just gave a speech where he claimed there were no elderly minorities because they all die off quicker than whites. All he had to do was issue a little mea culpa through his spokesperson, and all's well. If CNN's cameras happen to capture a blurry shot of bin Laden being ushered into his limo outside the White House's front door, what's the worst that could happen? Obama or Clinton would just have to stand in the press room, lake a couple of softball questions from David Gregory, and give a little shrug. If they're talented enough, they might even try an Urkel-esque "Did I do that?" catchphrase. In a wink, they'd not only be lovable goofs, they'd have a healthy campaign war chest, and bin Laden would have a few less dollars to plan another 9/11.

You know, I just thought of something Rudy. If there's one thing the American people love more than a catchphrase, it's an action-packed sequel. Maybe you should consider extending an olive branch to bin Laden as well. After all, you could always be the hero of 9/11 one more time.

Best wishes,
Laurence Shandy, gentleman