On sticking to your guns

From: Laurence Shandy
To: Dr. Phil Long, Medford School District 549C superintendent
Re: Armed teacher

Dear Dr. Long,

National literary treasure Laurence Shandy here. I'm not going to make fun of your name, so don't worry. No, I'm simply writing to commend your decision not to allow English teacher Shirley Katz to carry a concealed weapon in the classroom. She can whine all she wants about a homicidal ex-husband and, as an afterthought, a Columbine-style attack. You and I both know that bullets are no match for a trashcan full of homemade napalm, and they definitely don't stand a chance against an adrenaline and PCP-fueled former spouse. My ex, Meredith, once attacked me after learning of an embarrassing and salacious incident involving myself, her sister, and a carnival barker. It took a flurry of harpoons and a direct order from NORAD to take her down. Love does funny things to a body.

I guess my point is the same as yours. If a gun's just going to slow down her ex-husband before he delivers his killing blow, then a wall of eager young schoolchildren would serve the same purpose. With a mouth full of baby teeth, there's no reason for them to hold back on their biting power. Plus, you've eliminated any chance of someone reaching into Ms. Katz's blouse, pulling out a 9mm, and playing a deadly game of show and tell.

Best wishes,
Laurence Shandy, gentleman