On burying the lead

From: Laurence Shandy
To: CNN.com
Re: Celebrities on fire

Dear CNN.com,

I know very little about southern California. As an East Coaster, I don't travel there very often, and when I do, I'm usually in too altered a state to really make sense of the place. I'm more likely to wake up in an anonymous Hollywood motel next to Tyrone Power's corpse (true story) than I am to study the ins and outs of Californian geography. However, I do have a basic understanding of the lay of the land, and I couldn't help but notice your excellent coverage of the currently raging wildfire.

Sure, it's interesting to read about thousands being evacuated from their homes and then the subsequent burning of those homes. I'm more than a little interested in stories of desperate rescue efforts amidst plumes of smoke and clogged roadways. It's even nice to hear a heartwarming tale of evacuees giving up their cots to the elderly and infirm. But we all know the real national concern here, and it doesn't have anything to do with the middle to upper income nobodies filling up our computer and television screens. No, I need to understand how this natural disaster will effect our filmed entertainments and prized celebrities--you know, the things that matter.

Which is why I was disheartened to see that on the priority list of wildfire coverage, you chose to place the headline "Fire affects TV shows, celebrities" all the way at #9--just above a story about Barack Obama's embarrassing link to homophobic gospel singer Donnie McClurkin. Who cares about whether or not San Diego's NFL stadium will be big enough to house all the homeless if I don't have the peace of mind that comes from knowing if Keifer Sutherland will be able to make it to work? If I'm worrying about Teri Hatcher's risk of smoke inhalation, how do you expect me to concern myself with pictures of a burned out cul de sac? Unless, of course, that cul de sac used to house America's sweethearts Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson.

Pull your heads out of your asses and get on the ball, CNN.com. I need to know whether or not Dancing with the Stars will still be on when I change the channel from Larry King.

Best wishes,
Laurence Shandy, gentleman