On Romney

Mitt Romney's not enjoying the best of times these days. His square, masculine jaw; his spit-shined hair; the beautiful chiaroscuro of his gleaming teeth against his preternatural tan--none of these presidential qualities seem to overcome the political momentum of a lisping, pro-choice bald guy or a droopy D-list actor. He's not the best speaker, either. Just recently, he repeatedly transposed Osama bin Laden's name with Barack Obama's. Plus, he's equated his sons' campaign shilling with brave military service. And now, just as he was beginning to enjoy the support of the Christian conservative voting block, he releases this campaign video:



Not the best way to hide your dirty laundry, Mitt. With all the concern over unchecked expansion of executive powers, people are going to feel a little uneasy with a president who plans to literally ascend to godhood. And speaking of laundry, why not watch this stunning work of investigative reporting by journalist John Safran:



With all this in mind, I've decided to resign my position as Mitt Romney's unofficial campaign adviser. Sure, I can drive the press in circles while my crew scrubs a prostitute's blood out of a campaign bus' ventilation system, but there are just some problems nobody can fix.