On comparisons

From: Laurence Shandy
To: Rep. Keith Ellison
Re: Bush vs. Hitler

Dear Rep. Ellison,

Beloved raconteur Laurence Shandy here. I'm sorry I haven't found the time to address you sooner. I try to at least send a letter of greetings to any freshman representative within the first few weeks of his or her term. Especially to one as groundbreaking as yourself. Not only are you the first Muslim member of Congress, but you are also the first representative I with whom I would have sex more than once. With your dark and dashing good looks, you're like a manlier Obama.

Don't tell him I said that.

As an inexperienced new legislator, I understand how you might make the kind of mistake you made during a recent speech to a gathering of Minnesota atheists. Kudos on speaking to a group whose brains can operate at a capacity to dismiss the existence of God, or, as you pretend He's called, Allah. But when orating to a crowd with more than a passing acquaintance with critical thinking skills, it's important to be on your logical toes. Which is why I found it rather unsettling that you compared the attacks on the World Trade Center a few years ago to Hitler's burning of the Reichstag building. Hitler, in this analogy, would equal George W. Bush.

I find this comparison a bit faulty for several reasons, a few of which I'll outline now.

1. Bush rushed to war without a reasonable plan to rebuild Iraq, but Hitler killed six million Jews.

2. Bush failed to show leadership skills in the handling of Hurricane Katrina, whereas Hitler killed six million Jews.

3. Bush approved a policy of unlawful imprisonment and torture of terrorism suspects. On the other hand, Hitler killed six million Jews.

4. Bush pardoned a loyal friend convicted of perjury. Conversely, Hitler killed six million Jews.

I hope you'll find these facts useful in your next speech. If you need any more advice, feel free to contact me any time. I'll be in Washington later this year, in fact. I know how lonely a freshman congressman can get.

Best wishes,
Laurence Shandy, gentleman