On medicine

From: Laurence Shandy
To: Dr. Gordon G. Gallup, Jr., Ph.D.
Re: Semen therapy

Dear Dr. Gallup,

Notable literary bon vivant Laurence Shandy here with a personal matter I'd like you to clear up. Ever since the publishing of your groundbreaking paper, Does Semen Have Antidepressant Properties? (spoiler alert: yes), five years ago, I have been dismayed to see the torrent of criticism leveled at you and your findings. I hope I'm not making an embarrassing or potentially heartbreaking assumption here, but I'm sure your body produces semen. This, however, does not negate the validity of your scientific finding that semen is a potent and addictive mood elevator for women. There's a reason it's called spunk, you know, and any aspersions cast upon your research or your motivations simply because some of that life-giving manna shoots out of you from time to time (again, sorry if that's an incorrect assumption) is nothing more than sexist bigotry at its ugliest. The gender Nazis can't argue with science.

But even though I do not doubt the reality of your discovery, I notice that my own semen does not seem to have the effect on women (or men) that you say it should. Sure, I've done my fair share of seed spreading. You should see the bills for the gauntlet of lawyers I keep on retainer to shoot down paternity suits. I have no trouble bringing back repeat customers, either. But I am grounded and humble enough to know that my sexual prowess is probably due more to my massive wealth and smoky good looks than with any chemically addictive properties of my baby batter. Also, I have not found that a face, pink, or stink full of my bull gravy has any antidepressant effect on its recipients. Indeed, my sexual partners are just as likely to burst into tears after our encounters as they are to flash a smile. I wouldn't tell that to just anyone, but you're a Ph.D., and I trust you.

Is there something wrong with the chemical makeup of my love liquor? Or is it a problem with presentation? Do you think the emotional dissatisfaction of my coital cohorts has anything to do with my insistence on having sex only in the presence of a licensed notary public? I've tried concealing my legal team behind a two-way mirror, but I find the resulting experience to be lacking in both peace of mind and sexual potential. I'd hate to cut myself off from the opportunity to invite my notaries to join in the fun. Have you ever gotten kinky with a document stamp? I recommend it.

I hope you can advise me on this delicate matter. If you need a sample of my tallywacker tallow, I'm sure I can find someone within a thirty mile radius of your labs who will consent to a genital swab. Or, perhaps, a more intimate arrangement could be made.

Best wishes,
Laurence Shandy, gentleman