On star making

From: Laurence Shandy
To: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, president of Iran
Re: Oliver Stone

Dear Moody,

L.S. here. Just flew back from the Sandwich Islands last night, and boy are my arms tired. Some kind of tropical v.d. has been rampaging that place for weeks. Couldn't dip my wick in anything without wrapping it in banana leaves and spraying it with Raid. Suffice to say, I cut my losses and beat it myself most of the trip.

You know how it is.

Anyway, I'm writing to let you know I think you're making a big mistake. So, Oliver Stone's just another face of the Great Satan, and you won't let him make you the star of his next film. In fairness, I can see how you might be hesitant to work with someone like stone. He hasn't had a hit since, what, J.F.K.? Time has not been kind to either Kevin Costner or Joe Pesci's wig. Still, as long as he doesn't dress you up in some ridiculous hairpiece, I think you'd come out of this with some dignity. And why would he need to slap a wig on you, with your luxurious head of oiled mane?

This is your chance to finally make a positive impression on the West, Moody. For too long you've been portrayed as nothing more than a pint-sized powerhouse of murderous Jihadism and delusions of grandeur. The world is tired of seeing you as some kind of desert Napoleon drunk on undeserved power and witlessly beholden to the apocalyptic designs of an outdated and plagiarized religion. Make a fresh start, Moody! And do it in L.A., where fresh starts are born.

Okay, let's forget about Stone. He's a has-been, you're right. I'm thinking you should get your foot in the door with someone a little more popcorn friendly. You need a hit factory, my friend, and I know just the guy. What do you think about Michael Bay? Sure his movies are pedantic and cloying and one step above explosions porn, but isn't the history of your country almost the same thing? This would be perfect for you! I'm thinking a kind of tongue-in-cheek action/comedy. Something like Beverly Hills Cop. You don't want people to think you take yourself too seriously. Frankly, you're already seen as a little too sanctimonious after that whole "the U.N. was blinded by my glowing holiness" thing. We need to know you're just as good at taking jokes as you are at taking down. Tehran Secret Police? No, that's a little too ethnic. Our title needs to be a spoonful of sugar, if you know what I mean. How about Detroit Dick? There's a huge Muslim population in Detroit. I read about it in a John Birch Society pamphlet. And the word "dick" means "detective", but it'll also let the public know you're owning your reputation. It says, "Yeah, I know I've been a dick. That's just who I am." You'll really corner the "unlovably lovable" market.

Now your character needs a name. "Mahmoud" isn't going to work. What about "Matthew"? It's simple, it's bold. Don't worry too much about the whole New Testament connection. Jesus is mentioned in the Koran, right? As a prophet or a palm reader or something? Look, the important thing is it'll play in the red states. So, "Matthew Jade". How's that sound? Detroit Dick: A Matt Jade Adventure.

Instead of searching for the resurrected 12th Imam to usher in an Islamic apocalypse, why don't we have Jade fighting a gang of terrorists who are trying to resurrect the 12th Imam and usher in an Islamic apocalypse? I know this is an issue close to where your heart most likely is, but you're going to have to give a little in the presentation. Whether you're ushering in an apocalypse or your character is trying to stop it, the message gets out, right? Think of it like this: Raiders of the Lost Ark showed the Judeo-Christian God to be a merciless face melter, but that didn't stop the world from believing.

No publicity is bad publicity, Moody. Or should I call you Matt?

You have my agent's number. Let's have a breakfast.

Best wishes,
Laurence Shandy, gentleman