On security

From: Laurence Shandy
To: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, president of Iran
Re: Spying squirrels

Dear Moody,

Still haven't heard back from you about starring in Detroit Dick: A Matt Jade Adventure. Paul Haggis and I are still banging out the script, though, and I think it's going to do for fascistic Islam what Haggis' Crash did for America's racism problem -- and by that I mean simultaneously glamorize and trivialize it. But we're making good progress here. Pull off the baby birthing scene and you might even snag a Golden Globe nom.

But I'm actually writing to talk to you about this recent squirrel bust you've made along the Iranian border. You do realize the arrest and detainment of fourteen squirrels for suspected espionage seems a little paranoid. I mean, why not simply execute them? They're delicious, you know. And lean.

I'm just saying that you don't want to turn your great nation into some kind of prison state. At this rate, half your population is going to be incarcerated Western activists, woodland rodents, or uppity women. Look, I realize being 4'2" has to frighten you. The world seems like a big, dangerous place, where even the smallest of creatures could take you in a paw fight. But I want you to climb up on your step stool and look at yourself in the mirror. You are Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, president of Iran. So what if you're not tall enough to ride Space Mountain? You know what lives in space? Science. And science is a tool of the Great Satan.

Chin up, Moody. When you go visit those incarcerated squirrels, why don't you take a knee, look them in the eyes, and release them? After all, it's the fucking gerbils you should watch out for.

Best wishes,
Laurence Shandy, gentleman


Video Bonus
Here's an informative video on cooking up one of my favorite autumn recipes. Squirrel melts.