On meeting a need

From: Laurence Shandy
To: Microsoft National Broadcasting Company (MSNBC)
Re: Predators

Dear MSNBC,

Latin-American singing sensation Laurence Shandy here, writing to thank you for your wonderful Independence Day gift. For ten hours straight on our nation's birthday, I was able to sit down with my family (that I know of!) and watch pervert after hilarious pervert meet his fate through the candid camera justice of To Catch a Predator: Raw. As much as I'd like to add an exclamation point to the end of that title, I'll refrain out of respect for accuracy. But what an exclamatory time we had here at the Shandy household!

Every July 4th, I like to invite my mistresses and their children to my Dakota Building flat for fun and fireworks. The kids work the barbecue grill while the ladies and I retire to the bedroom with fresh cocktails and a bag of bottle rockets. This year's celebration had all the makings of a bust, however. I can usually count on the kid-hypnotizing Disney Channel to weave a soothing spell from my assorted plasma screens, but the young actress who plays Hannah Montana on Hannah Montana made it known she didn't want to be subjected to her own singing any longer than necessary. Honestly, I'm not sure whether she was one of my mistress's children or one of my prestige invitees, but I didn't push the matter. But when I scanned the channels looking for an appropriate substitute, all I could find were benefit concerts and disingenuous speeches. Independence Day is no time to wax poetic beside some dead soldier's grave or let Tony Danza emcee a patriotic musical extravaganza.

So you can imagine my relief upon discovering a marathon of pedophile busting on your under-appreciated cable news network. It's refreshing to know your news directors were willing to eschew the obligatory jingoistic pap and deliver the family-friendly goods. I listened to the joyful sounds of children's laughter as they witnessed one sexual deviant after another cornered and lampooned by Curtis Hansen. Hansen is to Predator as Bob Saget was to America's Funniest Home Videos. In fact, all that's missing from your hidden camera footage is a humorously high-pitched voice-over. That is, of course, if there's anything missing at all from such a fine program.

Sometimes the joyful exclamations of the children in the other rooms were so loud I could barely hear the M-80s exploding in their mothers' vaginae. And I can think of no greater compliment a broadcaster could receive.

Best wishes,
Laurence Shandy, gentleman