On sanctity

From: Laurence Shandy
To: Sen. David Vitter - (R) Louisiana
Re: Whoring

Dear Sen. Vitter,

I don't know you, but I feel for you. Being implicated in a Washington sex scandal is tough on the mind and the body, and I should know. Few remember the incident involving myself, Henry Kissinger, and a rubber glove full of embryonic medical waste, and I suppose I have Watergate to thank. Just like 9/11 swept Gary Condit's intern murder under the rug of public consciousness, so did the discovery of Nixon's plumbers keep Kissinger and I out of the headlines for very long. I guess what I'm trying to say is that there's always hope that a national disaster could remove the glare of the spotlight from your eyes. God willing.

And God is what I want to talk to you about today. Many are slinging mud at you over this scandal because you happened to champion a constitutional amendment banning same-sex marriage out of a desire to preserve the "sanctity" of marriage. Some are calling you a hypocrite who betrayed the sanctity of his own marriage by paying to have sex with prostitutes behind the backs of your wife and four children. But I know better.

I can see that breaking both the law and your wedding vows was the only way to bring even more sanctity into your marriage. I am fortunate to have a fully functioning brain, so I don't believe in God. But I do understand that He works in mysterious ways -- primarily as a fixer. Why should God pay attention to you if you asked Him to bless and keep your perfectly healthy, functional, adultery-free marriage. No one can fix what isn't broken. But by exchanging your taxpayer-funded salary for the chance to ejaculate inside an anonymous whore, you opened your marriage to an otherwise occupied God to play a larger role. Like Harvey Keitel in Pulp Fiction, God can be called upon to sweep into a bad situation and make it right again. Now, your wife has God on metaphysical speed dial -- calling upon Him night after night to make sure you don't soil the reputation of your family and constituents ever again. And you have the glowing righteous peace of mind that comes with asking and being granted forgiveness for your sins. God is now the "plus one" your marriage always needed. He is the trois in your ménage.

Don't pay any attention to the pundits and blowhards who would question your devotion to an imaginary deity. Instead, hold your head high and know that God may be on someone else's side, but he will never be in their bed.

Best wishes,
Laurence Shandy, gentleman