On compensation

From: Laurence Shandy
To: Tod Tamberg, spokesman, Catholic Archdiocese of Los Angeles
Re: Payouts

Dear Mr. Tamberg,

Like the rest of America, I was taken aback by the revelation this past weekend that the Los Angeles Archdiocese will be paying a $660 million settlement to those boys and men who have been abused by its priests, bishops, and various other cross-dressing employees of the Church. And by "abused", I mean raped. Catholics have never been ones to hide their affluence. I've been to the depths of the Vatican. I've seen the gold-plated Ottoman penises. But flashing a nearly billion dollar wad right out on the public stage? It's like fanning your wallet in a Turkish bazaar.

As part of this settlement, five-hundred rapees will receive over a million dollars each. Frankly, I think you're sending the wrong message here. I don't know any young boy who wouldn't line up and bend over for a shot at that much money. Do you realize how many Playstation 3s a kid could buy after that? What's a little priestly semen in the orifice when you're talking about digital surround sound and an endless stream of video games? Sure, these kids might suffer from irreversible sexual dysfunction the rest of their lives, but who needs a healthy sex life when you can afford to entertain yourself?

Well, it's too late now. The world knows how much the Church is worth and how much it's willing to give up in exchange for a little silence. Get ready to have your doors knocked down by hundreds more tearful, red-assed teens looking for a payout. My advice? Get a couple more thrusts and spurts in before signing whatever their attorneys throw in your face. After all, there's no uniformity among the five-hundred you've just paid off. Some of them were raped for years straight. Some of them may have just been a summer fling. And others could have only experienced a single night as a holy cum catcher. Since they're all getting the same payout, why not get a little more for your money? It won't last forever.

Best wishes,
Laurence Shandy, gentleman


Video Bonus
Here's comedian Louis C.K. to teach you, dear readers, a little more about the Catholic church.